Monday, February 26, 2007

Love in the Club

I recently had a female friend ask me why she doesn't get approached when she goes out to the club. She's attractive and she knows it, but it baffles her that men won't make that move.

"She looks salty"... "She doesn't look approachable"... "She won’t be interested in me"... "I will make a fool of myself"...

These are just some of the thoughts that run through men's minds in the dating world when it comes to meeting new women. These insidious thoughts cause a lot of us to squander opportunities to meet a possible new love interest that could lead to a relationship (in one way or another). This happens to even the most outgoing people. Why does this fear of rejection get the best of us?

You know what I'm talking about. How many times have you been out at a club, business function or even the grocery store and set your eyes on someone that you thought physically attractive but failed to take the initiative to speak? You see them leave the building and they vanish from off the face of the Earth, never to be seen again.

You think "Damn, I should've said something"... after the fact.

This is definately true from a male perspective, but on the female side, things seem to be a little different. While men worry about the idea of being the aggressor and the fear of possibly getting rejected, gender roles tells women that they are supposed to be approached. Yet I hear from women all the time that they don't get approached when they go out. And if they do get approached, it's in a disrespectful or unwanted manner.

Why is that? Is it ALL the guys fault? Nah...

While guys are expected to make the first move, women who want to be approached should be doing a better job of making themselves approachable and sending clear messages that they are interested. This includes scaling down the entourage by six or seven friends when they go out and by showing that they're having a good time being out.

There's nothing worse than approaching a female who you think may be interested through mixed messages ...while she's with her 9 friends... and having to deal with the whispers coming from the friends about what you look like, what you're wearing, what you're saying etc. It's too much of a hassle sometimes and most guys (not all) would rather just go without it or try to catch them while they're alone. If women want more men to approach them at a club they should travel in smaller groups of two or three.

Also, giving men a sign that you're interested would also help the process. If you must go out with the entire crew, try to make eye contact with the guy you're interested in. It'll make things much easier for everyone. He'll know that you're interested and reassured that his approach will not be a botched effort. Often times, it seems like women want a particular guy to approach them, but make no efforts to let him know it.

Most importantly, dressing the part makes a huge difference as to what kind of attention women attract. Wearing that tight turtle neck that unapologetically mashes your breasts together and makes them pop out the top will only attact the horny crowd. This is common sense for most, but a lot of women that dress that way seem to genuinely want to attract a man for longer than one night. If he doesn't think you respect yourself, he won't respect you.

The dating game sucks, but we play. So if we're going to play it, let's play it efficiently.

...but on second thought, maybe looking for true love in the club is pointless.


A Beautiful Life said...

I am very cold and rigid at places that feel like a meat market. I hate having to act that way, so I just avoid the club scene. It's not for me anymore. A guy who approaches me in that atmosphere doesn't stand a chance. However if the same guy (talking about a man with manners)approaches me in a book store, at a house gathering, a church event, a networking event, cookout, or a meeting through friends, I would definitely talk to him and be friendly. I"m more comfortable in those environments. I don't think
that looking for love in the club
is wise.

Men should do the pursuing. If a man wants you he'll pursue you. If he wants to talk then he'll call. Women who want to be found by a good man should be approachable and look decent. Both parties should be emotionally sound. There are alot of crazy people out there.

Saun said...

The club is not the place to look for a meaningful relationship. Even if both parties are good people, the sexually charged environment sets the wrong tone from the start. I have never met anyone that has said they found their husband or wife at the club. It just doesn't happen like that.

T.C. said...

I think this sums it up very nicely:
"The dating game sucks, but we play. So if we're going to play it, let's play it efficiently.

...but on second thought, maybe looking for true love in the club is pointless."

the chairman said...

I will agree with you all that I don't take a female seriously in a club environment.

After she finishes dancing on the bar with her girls I suppose to take her seriously when she says, "I looking for a relationship with a man that will respect me for my mind."

LIFE I don't think that men should always do the pursuing. We live in the day of the INDEPENDENT woman. I appreciate a woman than is comfortable enough in herself to approach me. To me it is a signal that she knows what she wants out of life and is not afraid to go after it. If she is doing it in dating it probably will apply to other areas in her life.

Gene said...


If she sees someone she likes, why doesn't SHE approach dude?!?!?!

the chairman said...

Yeah Gene, I thought that women were independent? Women have careers and you still want a chase? Go rent of old classic romance film for that!!!

A Beautiful Life said...

Mr. Chairman,
A woman should definitely be able to take care of herself without a man. She should be comfortable enough and complete in herself to the point that she could approach a man if she wanted to, but she shouldn't without wisdom. I suppose it's a matter of personal beliefs and experiences. I believe in he who finds a good wife... I am also soooo attracted to a guy who has enough courage to pursue me and respect my standards.

I"m attracted to alpha males (not in terms of faternity, but personality traits). These type of men are usually competitive, so they would get bored if a woman INITIALLY pursued them. It's NOT about the chase just knowing what works for me.
I also feel that if the situation calls for the woman to make the first move that she should later step back and let the guy step up. It seems like my guy friends tend to call the women who pursue them hard crazy, even if the woman means well. I think that deep down inside my male friends who talk like this want a chase or challenge. The sad thing is that so many women are eager for a man that they don't have to approach women anymore.

the chairman said...

Ms. Life,
I am an alpha male and very competitive. Over the next couple of years you can read the news or watch me on tv to validate that statement.

I don't think that those women are crazy. I think you are right in that it is personal experience and preferrence.

I don't believe in wasting my time in pursuit. I know where I'm going in life, if you want to join me so be it...if not I good.

A Beautiful Life said...

Mr. Chairman,
I definitely agree with your last statement about knowing where you're going in life.

Maybe you haven't found a woman you feel is worth pursuing.

the chairman said...

Life your right. I think it is a mix of not finding one I feel worth pursuing and I'm not attracted to a traditional woman. My list of requirements is so long that it has narrow it down to only about 15% of women world wide.

Joy said...

I'm glad you figured it out at the last sentence. Even if you "think" you're looking for love in the club, you're really just looking for that instant gratification of being wanted. Although I dress fairly conservatively I am still slightly more scantily clad when going to the club than normal and that's where the focus lies. No man approaches a woman in the club because she looks like they would have good conversation. It all boils down to what you want the basis of your relationship (whichever type you choose) to be.