Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Ghetto Hokey Pokey

She's facing forward. I'm pressed closely against her. Our bodies fit snugly together. My arms are wrapped around her. As I rest my chin gently on her shoulder, I look down and notice that the melting ice in my drink is starting to blend with the vodka and tonic. Her fragrance is intoxicating. The DJ has taken us back to the late 90's and is playing "So Anxious" by Ginuwine. We're both drunk off the moment. As I part my lips to whisper in her ear...

!!!SCCCRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHCCCCCCCHHHHH!!!

*boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom*

All of a sudden she runs from my grasp and joins the others as they congregate on the dance floor. Dammit! They got 'er! It looks like a scene from Thriller. They're all salivating. Their eyes turn red. I swear a nigga's arm falls off RIGHT on the dance floor. A 70-year old rotting zombie woman crawls from under the DJ booth.

I scream in terror as my ears start bleeding when the guy on the record starts spewing instructions: "To the lef, to the lef, to the lef, to the leeeeeefffff!" Shrieks of laughter fill the room as the zombies dance in unison.

...OK, I took this a little far, but seriously...what's up with all these damn instructional songs? The Electric Slide, the Cha Cha Slide, the Cupid Shuffle, the Mr. Bojangles...

Every couple years, somebody gets the genius idea to put out one of these songs and reap handsome monetary rewards. IT'S THE SAME SHIT! WAKE UP PEOPLE! THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE! THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE! THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE! YOU'LL NEVER HEAR FROM DJ Casper AGAIN! WAAAAAAAKKKKEEEE UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! WAAAAAKKKKKEEEEE UPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!! GAMMA!!!

In light of all this, I'm putting out a call for a business partner. If you are interested, please contact me so that we can throw together a couple instructions and make a cheap beat on a Casio keyboard.

So far I've come up with the following lyrics:

Do your foot like thiiiiiisss!/Do your arm like thaaaattt!/ Now jump up and down and cross your legs/ Now walk in a circle/ Now roll around on the floor/ Now centipede with it y'all/ Now everybody clap your hands *clap clap clap clap clap clap*

It's a little rough, but I smell a hit. Please feel free to provide additional lyrics.

In the meantime, check out these brilliant lyrics in two completely different videos by very eclectic artists:




Ignorance: Yes I'm a hater...and yes that was an obscure School Daze reference. GAMMA! Mo' Hate in '08!

4 comments:

Jermel said...

Yeah!! Mo Hate in '08!!!

I was literally crying reading this blog. You had me crackin up!

Don't forget you gotta add a line instructing them to do another dance like the "Charlie Brown" or "Walk it Out". How about, "Now Centipeded with it"

K.B. said...

B, you a fool!!! LOL!!!

CristalShandaLear said...

Your post inspired me to write a definition of "ghetto hokey pokey" for urban dictionary.

And it got accepted!

Thought you might get a kick out of it.

Brandon said...

LOL. I appreciate that Cristal.