Saturday, January 19, 2008

Finding Mr. Right

Here's another post from our friend Carah Herring urging women to get it together before prejudging potential partners.


Our dealings with our three-legged counterparts can sometimes be a hot mess, provoking us to rant, rave, hoot and holler about the fellas.

“Men are dogs!”
“N------ ain’t sh-t!”
“__(fill in your own vile generalization about the male species)__!”

Sadly, the above comments appropriately describe some individuals you and I both know. Not all men of course, but definitely more than a little bit. Lol. As the pickings seemingly get slimmer and slimmer, we often wonder ‘did Prince Charming die out with the Jheri Curl?’ I mean, damn!

Many of you have shared how you now go beyond the club scene more and more in order to bump into Mr. Right: hitting up bookstores, caf├ęs, church (well, you should be going here anyway!), art showings, parks and taking various classes -- but no dice. The men who are certified good catches are either playas, in a relationship, married, gay or frankly, not cute.

Sheesh, are there ANY good men left out here, y’all?

Before I answer that, let’s do a quick exercise:

Take about 30 seconds to a minute and list the attributes that you’d want in your dream man: Career. Personality. Education. Income. Hobbies. Height. Weight.

Don’t keep reading – make your list. Go ahead. Do it, babe!

Finished with your list?

Now, of all of the qualities that you jotted down, how many of these criteria do YOU possess? Do YOU earn $50K+ with your fantabulous job? Are YOU well-traveled? Are YOU flawlessly in shape? Do YOU have a good relationship with God and go to church consistently? Are YOU patient and understanding? Do YOU have a great sense of humor? Are YOU runway-ready 24/7?

So 9 times out of 10, we make these lofty demands for Mr. Right, when we are nowhere near being Ms. Right. How can you expect and accept nothing less than perfect from someone else, when you can’t even hold a candle to the standard? (Well, okay, the ‘hold a candle to’ comment was a bit much, but you catch my drift.)

So in your quest for a good man, step your game up and bring more to the table than a stylish outfit and decent conversation. Know what you’re looking for – but be flexible, because, hey, we’re all human.

Over the years, many of us have found quite a few Mr. Rights – men who will do ANYTHING for us (not out of desperation, but out of love and genuine concern). But for whatever reason, he just isn’t Mr. Right Now. We don’t give him the time of day because he’s not fine enough, rich enough, tall enough, muscular enough, educated enough or hung enough (keeping it real).

If you are always finding yourself in situations with Mr. Wrong, maybe, just maybe, YOU are the problem. I mean – you’re the common denominator throughout your personal dramas. Perhaps you prefer the exciting and fast-paced emotional roller coaster of bullsh-t men over the steady, not as eventful stability of a real man.

We as women have got to change the way we date – getting away from chasing the superficial things and really looking at the heart. And of course we have to snatch the cat back (but I’ve already preached my sermon on that topic!)

If you’re not ready to nix the superficiality, then don’t fake the funk. Be honest with yourself regarding your intentions in dating. Are you really trying to build a relationship with a man, or is your guiding M.O:

** The paper chase: “Where dem dollas at?”
** The quest for d-ck ‘that will make you slap somebody’: YouTube zany ATLien Alexyss Taylor for more info
** The ‘half a man is better than no man at all’ mentality: After being single for so long, you'll kick it with ANYBODY to zap your boredom

My longest and greatest relationship to date was with a brotha that worked at Mickey D’s. The McDonald’s fry boy, y’all. We met on a blind double date during my sophomore year of college. Though he was the sweetest guy, I had an image to maintain – and being involved with a Dollar Menunaire was NOT helping the cause. Nevertheless, we continued to kick it pretty consistently as friends because he was really cool and I loved spending time with him.

Well, about 3 months later, he invited me to a Super Bowl party at his Uncle’s house. I really didn’t feel like going to some cramped spot with a bunch of people I didn’t know to watch the big game, but what the heck. I didn’t have any other plans, so I decided to go. After making the 1.5 hour trip to his Uncle’s spot, I couldn’t believe my eyes. We pulled up to a humongous mansion that was at least four times the size of my house easily.

“THIS is your uncle’s house?” I asked, in total shock.
“Yeah,” he said nonchalantly.
“What does he DO to afford a house of this size?”
“My family owns McDonald’s franchises.”

I had to laugh at myself. My friend was modest and didn’t feel it was necessary to make it known that his fam was rich. He just casually commented that he worked for the Golden Arches. And I’m sure numerous women had immediately written him off by taking that statement at face value.

Now is this to say, my boy was Mr. Right because he turned out to be financially loaded? No, though it was a nice surprise. The moral of the story is that sometimes Mr. Right may not come in the package that we expect. But ladies, we have to be mature and courageous enough to give him a chance – even if he’s not our ideal. I’m not saying to settle – just don’t be so quick to ‘next’ someone before you know what they’re truly about.

So are there any good men left out here? YES!

Now here’s the real Q: Are you woman enough to give Mr. Right a chance?

Special thanks and appreciation this go'round to Brandi Howard, Sharese Shannon, Kenneth Manning Jr and Tasha Holland

***Disclaimer: No, I don’t think I’m Iyanla Vanzant, Jr. or the Official Facebook Relationship Expert. However, after several wins and losses in the world of dating, I’ve gained a lil’ wisdom and feel inclined to share. And judging from the volume of responses I’ve received from my first note, it seems like many of y’all can relate to the same issues I’ve been through… So whenever a relationship or intimate connection doesn’t work out, identify the lesson and then share your newfound knowledge with others ;o)

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