Do Big Time Christians Date Non-Big Time Christians?

What's good folks? Yes yes... I'm back. Orlando was fun. Had a good time, learned some new things, played golf, and met new people.

One night after a meeting, I went down to the bar and hung out with a co-worker. While we were there, two girls from the meeting came in and chilled with us. One of the ladies was feeling me pretty tough.

We cracked jokes, drank, ate... cracked more jokes, drank more, ate more... We were then joined by two more female co-workers who joined the party. So we proceeded to crack more jokes, drink more and eat more. We were THEN joined by two more female co-workers... you get the point.

So there we are... two guys and six girls really enjoying each others' company. Of all the girls there, I was really feeling Josie. She was pretty, well spoken, beautiful smile, nice personality... all the things that you'd initially find attractive in a person.

Being that we were at the bar and having a good time, I turned my attention to her and asked if she'd like something to drink.

"No thanks...I don't drink."

"Sure you drink... they got water, sodas, everything! Water ALL NIGHT...On Me!"

She laughed and I ordered her a water. Afterwards I got her number and called it a night.

The next and final night virtually everybody at the meeting planned to hit the Pleasure Island Clubs. You better believe that I was excited because it was the last night, and it was guaranteed that everybody at the meeting (which boasts a huge amount of young, fine, single women) were going to let loose and have a good time.

So while I was waiting on the rest of the guys to come downstairs to make our way over to the clubs, Josie shows up. When I asked her if she was going to the club, she said that she didn't do clubs. One of my older friends then asked her where she lived and what church she went to. The conversation about churches lasted for 10-15 minutes. In that conversation found out that she grew up in the church, that she was the president of campus ministries when she was in college and that her walk with Christ is super strong.

When it was time to roll out, she said that she was just going to walk around the park by herself to look around and probably hit a movie. I thought it would probably be a good idea to escort her, even though I was really trying to hit the club.

After the movie we walked back and, surprisingly, the conversation was stale. I'm usually pretty decent at having good conversations with women I'm interested in, but I was trying to find common ground and it just wasn't happening. I think that when I found out about her "walk" I really limited myself on what I thought was appropriate to talk about with her, which wasn't much. And the things that I thought were "safe" to talk about didn't spark much of a conversation. Even still, she said that she wants to come visit me during my birthday week in a couple months.

So here's my question. Do you guys think it's possible for a devout Christian to have a relationship with someone who believes in Christ but is still "out in the world?" Would the gap between our relationships with God even be condusive to the thought of a serious relationship? I believe that in addition to attraction and moralitly, religion plays a huge role in finding a compatible partner.

Time for you guys to give your boy some good relationship advice. What do you think?

Out of the Office

Folks, I will be in Orlando, FL for a meeting this week. Will be back on Friday.

The Next Big Things in Comedy...

Supposedly, these two dudes, Deon Cole and Tony Roberts, are supposed to be the next big breakout black comedians in the same vein as Dave Chappelle and Martin Lawrence. Judging from their routines, I can't even say that it's not possible. Check out these two clips and let me know who you think is funnier...

Deon Cole


VS.

Tony Roberts


Ignorance: H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A LOL!!!

To Kill or NOT to Kill

Buffalo, NY (WBEN) - A 2-year old boy in Lockport has been hospitalized after suffering a sexual attack by the family pit bull.

The Niagara County District Attorney's office is investigating, and police are awaiting DNA evidence results from both the dog and the child.

"The initial assault happened inside the family residence and the dog became frightened when the mother screamed," said Det. Capt. Larry Eggert, with the Lockport Police Dept.

The child's mother watched as the child was taken outside, dragged by the dog. Neighbors rescued the child outdoors.

" I've been a police man for 27 years and I've never heard of it. We had to go outside the area to find some canine experts who had heard of this before. No one locally had ever heard of this," Eggert said

"We found one expert who has investigated five like this in his career," Eggert said.


Hear the interview with the chief investigator here.

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So here's the question...

Should the family have the dog put down or should they let him live? When I heard about this story, my initial reaction (and everyone around me) was to have the dog put down; but after thinking about it, wasn't the dog just acting on its natural instincts to mate? Is it not the parents fault for leaving their 2-year-old alone with the dog?

Think about it... would we put a dog down for humping our leg like they so often do? Dogs don't know any better and we generally accept that. In this case, the dog did not know that what he was doing was wrong.

If the parents decide to put the dog down, then it would be more out of revenge than reason. After all, they would not necessarily be vindicating the 2-year-old (as he would not be able to comprehend the act of putting the dog down), but rather they would be satisfying their own need for revenge.

Also, it would be illogical to assume that the dog would purposely seek out 2-year olds in the future to mate with. This was simply a freak accident that could have happened in any household.

My solution would be to simply remove the dog from the household and put him up for adoption with another family (with full disclosure of the recent event).

What do you guys think?

This Is Home

The past brings about some of the most vivid memories--sometimes memories from your childhood are more memorable than events from the previous week.

I wrote this back in college to describe a childhood memory. This is an account of me visiting the house of my late grandparents after it had been vacant and unoccupied for a year. Something that has always fascinated me is how hard it is to build something, yet how easy and quickly it can be torn down, a concept that applies to all areas of life.

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The stale smell of damp, rotted wood and water damage engulfed the dilapidated kitchen as I reminisced about the fresh smell of warm coconut pie that Grandma used to make in this very room. This was her home. The sturdy, one-story house at 26 Albany Road in the small North Carolina country town was built in the 1940s with the bare hands of her husband, Eddie.

The many coats of paint that used to adorn the bricks of this place through three generations are now peeling and fading away like the memories that they witnessed. The overgrown Chinaberry bushes and vines are evidence of its vacancy. The broken doors and windows are evidence of its sporadic occupancy.

“Hand me that board and some nails,” my brother Derek said. Bang! Bang! Bang! The board fits perfectly over the frame of the shattered window. “I can’t believe what they’ve done to this place. This will keep them out for a little while.”

I couldn’t believe it either. Shattered crack valves and bloody needles lined the dining room floor that hosted so many family meals and Thanksgiving dinners. Candied yams and sweet potato pie were my favorite dishes as a child. I remember one particular Thanksgiving when all six of my grandmother’s children and all of their children and even their children crowded into the small, cozy dining room to bless the food that God had prepared for us.

The shiny wooden antique hutch that sat in the far left corner of the tiny room held dated China with gold-plated trim that my grandfather had secured and sent home during World War II. The walls were an off white that were a result of age rather than choice. Jesus peered down on us all as he ate his last supper through the dusty wooden frame that hung from the wall. In retrospect, the black and brown-checkered floors in the dining room were hideous, but served as the perfect spot for me to play “Hopscotch” and “Four Corners” alone. It didn’t take much to please me.

“Eddie! Put that biscuit down! Wait ‘til I serve everybody!” The words silently echoed throughout the dark, empty room that was now a place for neighborhood junkies to continue their never-ending mission. Perhaps I was the only one that heard them. They faded into the darkness.

As my brother and I crept down the rickety hallway that led to the den, we couldn’t believe the damage that was done. Rays of light from a bedroom window seeped in through the blackness and showcased holes that had been knocked into the walls and insects that had made their new homes here.

“Hard to believe all this happened in the course of a year,” I whispered under my breath. One year. After all of the years that my family had spent in this house, it was hard to believe that it had come to this state after one year of being vacant…abandoned.

Disgusted, I left the filthy remnants and went outside to get some fresh air. I hopped off the cement porch and made my way to the old picnic bench in the back that overlooked the overgrown yard and garden. I remember helping my aunt Marlene plant seeds in the garden on hot days at 5 years old.

“Run in your grandma’s house and get me a glass of ice water,” she would say as the sweat rolled down her face and into her gasping, tired mouth. The visible humidity was an ever-changing magnifying glass, as it would liquefy the appearance of the house in the distance. I would leave the garden, run through the dusty pits of sand that were strewn throughout the yard, jump on the porch and run to the old kitchen to fix a nice tall glass of cubed ice and tap water. Exhausted, I would sip the beverage the entire way back until I reached my aunt who had come to expect half of a glass due to this recurring habit. I would smile. She would grin and shake her head.

As the animated memory faded, I looked around at the other adjacent houses in this neglected rural community. Only a few of the original owners of these homes are still alive. Ms. Bell and Mrs. Currie are the only ones left. The other homes were passed down to irresponsible children that were not concerned with their maintenance.

“Brandon?! What are you doing here? I haven’t seen you since you were this tall,” a raspy voice said behind me. I turned around as Johnny approached me from a newly worn path that had been made due to the excessive foot traffic that now made its way through the abandoned property.

“Hey Johnny.”

“How’s your mom doing? I haven’t seen y’all in God knows how long…” Johnny was skinny. His eyes were bloodshot. Though an athlete in his younger days, the drugs had reduced him to a dangerously low weight.

The small talk continued for a few minutes, which predictably culminated with the question “So are y’all boarding it up?” With both our eyes fixated on the house, I concurred. Silence. “That’s good…it’ll keep them out,” he replied half-enthusiastically. Silence. “Take it easy,” he said as he walked away. I was relieved that my grandmother did not have to see what had become of this town…of its people.

In a stupor, I hung my head and watched the black ants perform their food gathering ritual in the dusty sand. They worked in a smooth, continuous line. They were organized. The line spanned from the bench to the back porch brick steps.
I walked back to the house to continue boarding the gutted entrances with my brother. Millions of memories streamed through my mind as we continued to reseal a chapter of our lives with every hit of the nails.

This is not the place that I remember, nor will it ever be.

Assimilation or Selling Out?

Check out the piece on assimilation that I wrote for Andrew the Asshole's page...

One of My Favorite Songs of All Time, But...

...I'll give a dollar to ANYBODY who can tell me what the hell they are saying on the hook. I've been trying to figure this out for 12 years. ..."Relax yourself girl, piece of clam??????"

"This is MY Group, Ho!"

Alright... We all know that Destiny's Child was no more than a platform for Beyonce to eventually go solo. That's a given. However, I always thought that Beyonce got a bad rap for being the reason why Destiny's Child could never keep it's members. The media always tried to portray her and her parents as tyrants that would eventually lead to the demise of the group.

However, Beyonce always comes off innocent in interviews and has done a good job deflecting that image. Is that innocence a fluke?

Watch the above clip and peep how she punks her beloved group members. Notice especially the way Kelly gets bitched...

Commitment Vs. Monogamy: Choose Your Adventure

In keeping with the theme of relationships and infidelity for the week, I have recruited another writer to share his perspective of maintaining lasting relationships. Today's guest posting comes from apoetik over at The Year of the Pig. In it he discusses the differences between commitment and monogamy. Which would you choose?

You can check out his blog at www.theyearofthepig.info

Enjoy.

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Commitment - a pledge or promise; obligation

Monogamy - The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time

I recently read a discussion that poses the following question:

If you could only have a promise of commitment or monogamy in your relationship, which would you choose?

For example, would you choose a partner who pledges never to leave you regardless of infidelities (yours or theirs) or would you choose a partner who would never take any others during the time of your relationship, with no pledges of long term commitment?

I’ve asked quite a few people for their opinion and the first question had almost universally been “Well, aren’t they the same thing”?

No, they are not. With the divorce rate sitting around 55%, commitment is no longer an implied aspect of marriage. People are changing partners quicker than an award show host changes outfits. Of the 45% of people who do remain married, would you bet your life that their partner has never had an infidelity? If so, that would probably solve the problem of global overpopulation…

Most of the men have responded with monogamy, while most of the women have responded with commitment. That being said, it is of little wonder that we have such problems with staying married as a society.

In fact, my first response was monogamy. Cheating is an affront to your pride first, then your trust. The feelings of resentment for someone who so callously disregarded your feelings is acute, as anyone who has been cheated on can tell you. Once bitten, it is hard to return to that happy place in which you see your significant other as your one true champion upon this mortal coil.

However, after having listened to dozens of responses, it became apparent to me that commitment possibly carries more weight. It is accepting the fact that the person you are with is a human being, fully capable of making mistakes but learning from them. It is saying that you are strong enough to look at your relationship in complete honesty and not rejecting the negative portion of your vows (for better or worse – for richer or poorer, not just for better and richer). Without commitment, you can never make plans, because you have no guarantees that this person will be around. The slightest whiff of stagnancy and they are gone, as opposed to doing whatever it takes to make it work. A person who is not committed just flat out will not try anything and everything to make your relationship permanent. If not, then really what are they giving you for giving up so much?

Being cheated on hurts. A lot. It is definitely not something you would wish upon yourself or your worse enemy. I would imagine I would be sick to my stomach if the first thing I had to look at every day is a person who I have pictures of in my mind being with someone else.

True commitment may actually be another plane of thinking. It is being given the confidence to accept life as it comes and know that you have a teammate.

Losing your legs in an accident is rough. It is much rougher to imagine that happening and you having to go it alone. Or is it harder to forgive and forget the ultimate betrayal?

Which would you choose?

Alternative Lifestyles Save Marriages?

As we all know, the divorce rate in America is extremely high. According to divorcerate.org 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. Though divorces happen for a number of reasons, infidelity unsurprisingly is the #1 reason for married couples to call it quits. Is it crazy then to assume that if traditional cheating was a non-factor then marriages, on average, would stand the tests of time?

Realistically, as human beings, we are going to have sexual desires for other people regardless of marriage. It's natural and inevitable. The true test of marriage is whether or not you act on those desires by going outside of your commitment and betraying your spouse's trust.

With that being said, it seems that some couples have adopted open relationships and alternative lifestyles to alleviate the possibility of cheating--since it's not really cheating if your partner knows and approves. Studies are showing that many couples that have adopted these lifestyles are happily married and less likely to divorce. Their logic is that since they are given the OK to act on those purely sexual desires, there is no need to cheat or be deceptive.

Since I'm not an expert on the subject, I decided to recruit a friend of mine (Andrew the AssHole) to research the topic and share his findings and thoughts on the matter.

Is this a viable alternative? Are open relationships worth compromising the sanctity of marriage? Or are Will and Jada Smith just some freaks?

What do you think?

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Kim is a married woman with kids. She lives a pretty normal life in a two income household. Kim, with the husband's knowledge, goes outside the relationship sexually. One of her lovers asks her to try something “new”… New being a swingers club. Those who don't know swingers club is a sex club. Her first time in the establishment she was surprised with how affluent the people were, and the parking lot had many cars in the $100k - $400k price range. Kim does end up having sex with her lover in a private room. She enjoyed herself enough that she decided to ask her husband if they could join a swingers club… He said YES!!!!

I have heard of these things in movies and in relation to Hollywood, but everyday people doing this? It led me to do some research into what can be referred to as “The Lifestyle.”

Before we get started I think it would be good to get a few definitions clear so that we are all on the same page.

Swinging: when a married or otherwise committed couple engages in sexual activity with another couple, multiple couples, or a single individual. Usually mid 40 age range participates.

Exhibitionism: having sex with a partner while being watched.

Voyeurism: watching others have sex (perhaps with the above mentioned partner).

Soft Swinging or Soft Swap: kissing, stroking, or having oral sex with a third or fourth person. Soft swap may be in the form of a threesome, group sex, or the literal swapping of partners.

Full Swap: having penetrative sex with someone other than one's partner. Although this is the commonly understood definition of swinging, it is not necessarily the most common type.

Group Sex: An all-inclusive term for activities involving multiple partners in the same vicinity.

Hot Wife: married woman who has sex with men other than her spouse, with the husband's consent. In most cases the husbands take a vicarious pleasure in watching their wives' and the other male/s enjoyment, or enjoy watching, hearing, or knowing about their wives' adventures.

Polyamory: the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate long-term relationship at a time with full knowledge and consent by everyone involved. Poly lifestyles vary, with some being open relationships and others being polyfidelitous.

Selective swinging: include mostly childless, unmarried young graduates whose average ages are as low as the late 20s, whereas traditional swingers' events tend to have average ages in the 40s. Selective parties are often referred to as "exclusive" or "elitist." This subgroup coined the term “The Lifestyle.”

Now that the different non-monogamous lifestyle has been defined lets compare it to the traditional husband wife monogamous relationship. Today's marriages have a more than 50% divorce rate and one of the major causes is infidelity second to money related issues. Is it realistic to think that after walking down the aisle that your spouse loses their sexual drive for anyone other than you? Most societies largely discourage sexual relationships outside of the committed relationship. However, since there is a 50% or higher chance that your spouse will go outside the relationship sexually would you consider an open relationship?

Hugh Hefner is probably the most famous person practicing of open relationship. He has 7 girlfriends, at last count that he has a “committed” emotional relationship with. Three of them have a cable TV show. To those in The Lifestyle that type of relation is much different from the non emotional commitment practice of swinging.

I often see relationships where one is “cheating,” by sneaking in time with their lover(s) outside the relationship. Some even know but choose to turn a blind eye to it. Lying to cover ones tracks seems like a lot of extra work. The masses of society seem to think that what I don't know won't hurt me. As a society do we prefer to be lied to?

Philosophically there is a major difference between open relationships (or marriages), swinging and polygamy, but it all boils down to knowingly allowing or participating in a non-monogamous relationship.

I imagine that we will get a lot of anonymous comments on this topic. But I truly want to know how open is too open? Would you prefer to live the illusion of a monogamous relationship? Would you be willing to negotiated boundaries (typically in regards to emotional relationships with multiple people or casual sex) of a non-monogamous relationship?

Demasculinization: BE A MAN!

Dammit... they got Mr. Clean too

*lowers head in shame*

If you have watched TV in the last few days you have likely gotten
at least another dose of programming that tries to persuade men,
indirectly or directly, not to follow their natural desires as men.

If you saw a Hollywood movie recently, especially a romance movie,
you probably got another dose.

If you watched the news recently, you probably got another dose.

If you read the newspaper, you got a little more.

Just about wherever you go and whatever media you see in our
society, there is a subtle message that if you are too overt about
directly following your desires as a man, the consequences will be
bad or at least embarrassing.

I saw a TV commercial yesterday that was a good example. It was
one of those commercials where they parody adult life by having
kids acting like adults in a business setting. I don't remember
what was being advertised or even fully what happened but since I
am attuned to trying to catch examples of what I call
"demasculinization" I did catch that it was another example
discouraging men from hitting on women, another example trying to
tell you that women have all the power when it comes to selecting
men--never vice versa.

Basically there was a girl receptionist/secretary for a company,
and a boy and a girl (each about 8 years old but acting like
adults, each dressed in business clothing) standing in front of her
desk. The girl was trying to set up a schedule for the week, and
she mentioned having a dinner appointment. The secretary tells her
that appointment has been canceled and the boy coworker volunteers
that he is available for dinner with her. Suddenly everything goes
quiet except for the sound of the creaky wheels of a FedEx delivery
dolly being wheeled across the floor in the background and there is
an uncomfortable look on the girl's face. Then a similar thing
happens where later he again tries to make a pass at the girl, and
this time she ignores him again and you hear crickets.

Granted his approach wasn't so smooth, but regardless the message
guys get at least on some level is that if they follow their
natural desires they are likely to be ignored and or seen as dogs. This is just one
example, but I see countless examples every day.

As men, society tells us not to act on natural desires we have for women. If you find a woman attractive, you have to learn to pursue her instead of hoping she
will let you know she thinks you are attractive. It almost never
happens that way, right ladies?

I have a lot of friends (and I used to be guilty of it too) that will go out to a club and stand around and watch the women dance all night. Even though some women are truly out to just express themselves through the art of dance with their friends (so they say...even though they dress othewise), most women are actually out to dance with guys. Yes...it's true! After the club, guys complain that ALL the women in the club were stuck up, yet they only tried to dance with a few, only to be rejected. And when I say tried, I mean literally walking on a crowded floor and literally asking "Would you like to dance?" Sometimes you have to man up and just dance with her. If you're not confident about it, she will most likely walk away or decline.

Let me give you an extreme example of what life might be like if
men did act on their desires.

I was in the Maryland area a couple months ago, and I have a friend who is a natural when it comes to women. We were at a The LoveJoy Bar in downtown Baltimore. I remember he wasn't even drinking yet but he immediately told a young bartender "I really like your ass!" I was pretty shocked because to some degree, I've been
pretty well brain washed myself not to ever be so overt. I was embarrassed because I thought his approach was rude. I was getting ready to apologize for him or to get thrown out of the spot, but instead she smiled at him. A little later he told her "You have really great tits!" When she passed by again later he said "I
really love your legs!"

Just as I was getting ready for her to go off in a tirade, she
instead comes over and leans in to him and says "I like a man who
isn't afraid to express himself like that. I have a boyfriend,
really I do, but if I didn't, I'd be leaving here with you tonight."

OK, I am NOT suggesting saying these kinds of things to women or that it is common for women to respond positively to such comments--it is likely to backfire if this isn't in your true character. I tell you this story just to illustrate that some part of a woman's psyche is actually programmed to respond to a man who
follows his sincere desires and isn't trying to excuse himself for liking women (note: Not the guy who tries to get with every woman indiscriminately--there's a difference between honesty and desperation). As sophisticated/intelligent as we are as human beings, we overlook the fact that we are sexual beings, and that in order to find a mate, we have to simply let whoever we're interested in know that we're interested.

All to often, we get so caught up in trying to play manipulative games that we miss the honest aspect of just following our desires and saying "Hey... I want you."

Will it work all the time? No. But it will work better than saying nothing?...

BE A MAN!